The past month has been… interesting. Interesting, in my book, is just a mask for a plethora of adjectives – good or bad.

I haven’t been at my best physically, mentally, or existentially. And like always, my chosen solution is to write a blog post about it. Self-reflection through writing does so much for me as a character: deep introspection, solidifying and recording thoughts, and proposing causes, effects, and improvements.

How did I get to this point? I would think that it was because I got a cold in the middle of June, but that’s not looking far enough. Let’s start when I decided to take an extra term to take CS 488: Intro to Computer Graphics.

After Spring 2017, I only needed 6 more courses to graduate. Of those 6 courses, only 1 had the requirement: be a third-year Psych course – easy. In Winter 2018, I could have taken 6 courses to complete my degree. But 6 courses? I had never taken 6 courses. Even with 4 courses, I have no free time. I wasn’t even going to take 5 courses because I wasn’t sure if I’d find 5 courses to my liking. Fortunately, I found 5 great courses. I specifically planned for a Winter term just to take Computer Architecture (CS 450) and enrolled in 4 wonderful Arts courses – Intro to Human Sexuality (SMF 204), Sexuality and Popular Culture (SMF 215), Psychology of Good (PSYCH 357), and Intro to Legal Studies (LS 101). All interesting courses that taught me a lot. I could have taken Intro to Sociology (SOC 101), but there was a group project (with, most likely, first years) which I did not want to do. And I would not have been able to take Graphics! So I didn’t do 6 courses.

Jump forward to Spring 2018, the term I’m currently in. The last term. All I need is 1 course to finish my Bachelor degree. Hooray! Being the CS major that I am, I wanted to take Graphics. I also wanted to be a full-time student (enrolled in 3 courses) just so I could get OSAP, the full-time bursary, and other benefits. Since I’m going to be living in Waterloo, I might as well be taking a full course load, right? I decided to take Graphics, Intro to Artificial Intelligence (CS 486), and Physiological Psychology (PSYCH 261). I wanted to take Personality (PSYCH 356), but it was at the same time as PSYCH 261. I was also attending Social & Cultural Anthropology (ANTH 200) lectures, but they got a bit boring when I didn’t do the readings.

I had this whole idea that I would have so much time to start my hobbies and just chill. I was so wrong. Graphics consumed me.

I blame Graphics, but a part of me knows that it’s not the reason for my current suffering. What went wrong and what is currently wrong: 1) I had the idea that I would barely have to work with only 3 courses. I should have known that regardless of the workload, I would always invest 100% of time and effort into everything that I do. Even if I were taking just 1 course, all my time would be dedicated to it. That’s just how I am. 2) I thought that I would have the same amount of motivation as I did when I needed 6 courses to graduate vs. when I only needed 1 course to graduate. 3) I started thinking about post-graduation life too early. I got too excited to start that new life.

Why I partly blame Graphics: 1) The course notes are crap. 2) The prof presents material from his own notes, the course notes, handouts, and images, all in mixed order, making it hard to follow. I am someone who needs to write a transcript of lectures with a copy of all materials so I can relive lectures when I’m studying. Hard to do that when photocopies of different sources are presented via overhead in class and not available electronically. The prof presents material in a manner suited for people who can just understand and remember things on the spot without writing anything down. This is clearly just a mismatch between teaching style and learning style. The prof is very good and I have high respect for him, we just don’t mesh well in a teacher-student relationship. 3) The prof is honest, strict, and sticks to his principles. On the first day, he said that absolutely no electronics are allowed. No prof in my 5 years of university has ever made a rule like that. He had other rules that he enforced. He was scary strict at first, but as the term went on, you could see his soft side. The problem is, there’s just something about how alike we are in persona that made me just not care. I feel like I really know him, meaning I know me, and knowing me, I could fail and recover from it. I don’t know where I’m going with this… 4) This is a difficult course. It would have been better if it were split into multiple courses, so the lectures could teach the OpenGL side of things as well. Because this course only covers physics and math. 5) Too much physics and math. Both of which I hate. It’s difficult for me to comprehend, especially when it’s explained too quickly. I’m pretty dumb in this area. Again, my fault.

Basically me and Graphics don’t mesh well. Leading me to this hopeless state where I cannot predict whether I will pass or fail. I had gotten used to knowing how well I would do in an assignment/exam/course, but now I have no idea. I’m scraping for marks. I’ve lost the bigger picture of learning cool things and applying it.

All evidence points to me already moving on from university, when university hasn’t run its course yet. I didn’t realized this until a few days ago.

It all started when I got a cold mid-June. I hadn’t gotten sick for 5 years. I remember getting sick the summer before first year, but after that, I was healthy. I attributed it to my immune system understanding that being healthy for studying/working was important to me. I was strong. I guess I let loose and in came the illnesses. I got a sore throat which lead to a cold. Then I had an inflammation in my gums which lead to shards of wisdom teeth (from my wisdom tooth extraction surgery in January 2017 over a year ago) coming out. About 2 weeks of physiological pain…

I was unable to finish the 4th Graphics assignment (got 40% somehow), but the prof decided to drop our lowest assignment grade! I rushed through my 2nd AI assignment, did a shoddy job on the 3rd question meant to be a group question, and somehow got a 95%. My poor health lead to negative consequences, which were cancelled out by some positivity.  Excellent, right? My brain certainly didn’t think so.

Now, I don’t know what kind of mental issues I may or may not have, have had, or may have. All I know is that I would wake up not seeing a point in getting up. I would be fully awake for 3 hours in bed until I finally got up. I just couldn’t get up. I don’t know what it was. To fix that, I started ending my days earlier and getting to bed earlier. Now, when I wake up, I don’t check my iPod. I get up or I go back to sleep. I feel better now. I can see a tomorrow again.

Another issue is that I just don’t see a point in anything related to university anymore. At this point, I have passed all the requirements. I have a 70% in Psych without my last test, that means I’ve passed. I can give up. This is the kind of thinking that has gotten me to this point. See, I have this graphics project to do – it’s anything you want – you propose the objectives and you fulfill them. Sounds fun, right? Except I don’t feel like doing it. There are no consequences if I fail. It’s gonna look ugly on my transcript, but whatever. The transcript is useless. At the same time, I’ve already gotten started on it – I’ve spent around 12 hours this past week working on it and have gotten far on a game. Gameplay is pretty crappy, but it’s something. All week and I’ve only gotten 12 hours into it? I could do 12 hours in one day if I had the right motivation. But I don’t. I just don’t.

And that brings me here. The realization that I have learned all that I needed to learn from university. I have grown, matured, improved, evolved, whatever you want to call it. I have become a better version of myself. How do I know this? On my list of things to do after graduation, I have items such as reading Psychology papers, reading ethnographies, and exploring philosophical theories. “I hate reading” is something I have always said. But my time in university has taught me that I absolutely love learning. I want to be like Sherlock Holmes, where I can spew random facts when the occasion calls for it. If reading leads me to more knowledge that I can apply to my understanding of the world, my life, and others’ lives, then read I shall. University has allowed me to explore various topics – psychology, anthropology, legal studies, and human sexuality. One topic I never really liked was science, but Physiological Psychology showed me how much I love learning about biochemistry. I think that really was the last topic I needed to explore. Understanding how the body/brain works is truly fascinating. I know that now. I would never have learned that had I not been able to explore different fields. I am grateful for my time here, but it’s time to move on. It’s time to take what I have learned about myself, others, and the universe and take it to the next level. I have honed the skill of self-learning and am ready to dive into the deep end of the library of the universe.

Other things that lead me to this point that I will not dive into: the philosophical themes SYFY’s The Magicians poses, my friend pissing me off being an irresponsible, dirty roommate, being addicted to Maplestory M, me starting to get less angry about people wearing fragrances and just letting it kill my brain cells, and the fact that I still don’t officially have a full-time job at the place I want to work at even though we’ve been discussing it for months.

This term is like that time I came out of my mother’s womb. I was ready for my new chapter, but I had to let the natural processes push me out. All I could do was wait. Less than a month left. I’m crowning out, but one can only slide out of the womb so fast. I’m ready to leave this life behind and begin a new one.

Writing all of this out made things a bit clearer. I’m done with this chapter of my life. What happens happens. I don’t know if things will improve until it’s over, but I know that it’s not important if it does. Life is about getting good at lying to yourself. Maybe I’m just lying to myself when I say it’s not important. Maybe not. Humans are so complex. So much went right for me to be here. I am grateful for my existence. I am grateful for everything – the good times and the bad. What will I do today? What will I do tomorrow? Only time will tell? Only I will tell. Whatever I choose to do, I will move forward even if it feels like I’m moving backward. As long as I reflect on my actions, I will learn from them.

Problem: Life.

Solution: wrote a blog post about it.


First day of lectures. Woke up at 6. Tim Horton’s opens at 7:30. Classes start at 10:00, end at 12:30. Rest of the day – wasting time.

Being back in a pool of people that make me average… it’s a weird feeling. After 8 months of doing something I absolutely love, it doesn’t feel great to be back in school. I love studying at university, especially the computer science and social science courses. This term is just different. There aren’t that many courses to take. The psych courses I want to take just for fun (they don’t count towards my minor), conflict with Intro to Anthropology, which is something I do want to take. It’s sort of my replacement for a psych course. It will be sad with the lack of a psychology course. To add onto that, there was no fifth course I wanted to take. All of the electives I wanted to take (legal studies, sociology, classical mythology) are only offered online. I feel like online courses are useless because you have to learn it yourself. It’s not the same as a professor lecturing you. There’s no spirit in it. No motivation. Just resources to help you learn. If I wanted to take an online course, I’d just find free resources online to learn that thing. I’m very against online courses. I took one for Digital Imaging and all I did was the assignments – I barely watched the $30 Lynda tutorials. It was basically: force yourself to create something with these constraints. So I looked through all of the courses and found Introductory Astronomy. I had actually planned on taking it until today. The big dealbreaker was that there are mandatory online quizzes that you have to pay to have access to. I do not want to support a professor who chooses to do that. It’s $50 for quizzes that make up 20% of your mark. That’s a no-no. Plus you have to buy the textbook. $40 for loose leaf! $130 for paperback! That’s insane. A fifth course gets a discount of about 50% off, but if it’s a course I don’t really want to take, I’m just going to pass. $690 for a course + unfair costs is a definite no for me. I think I can die without knowing a thing about astronomy. With the lack of a fifth course, I will have more time to master my other 4 courses and spend time on PoopTracker.
I did some coding today for PoopTracker. I didn’t feel comfortable doing it. It must have been the high seats I was on. Legs were uncomfortable. I guess I’ll need to find a couch.
I’ve never done just 4 courses. This will be an interesting term. I like how much I have to grind for 5 courses. I think I will keep the same level of grind by forcing myself to do a lot of iOS development. I need to release PoopTracker this term. I need to show something. I need to show the world.
I have to look for a new job this term. I have the choice of going back to the place I felt comfortable in for 8 months. But that would mean settling down before I got to spread my wings and fly.

If you love someone, set them free. If they come back, they’re yours. If they don’t, they never were.

This is kind of the principle I’m applying here. Except I’m saying it for the company about me. I need to explore the world before I go back. If I never go back, then I’ve found something better. I need to aim better. I feel like I can. I’m full of insecurities, especially among my peers here, but I need to push through those insecure thoughts and reach for the stars. I need to at least try. Staying at the same company while I’m in co-op would be like dating someone in high school and then just settling down with them even if you’ve never felt like they were your soulmate.
I have potential. I just need to show the world and myself.
I need to focus on iOS. Yes, I’m taking interesting CS courses, but those are secondary to my iOS career. I know what I want to focus on as a career! University is just fun now. It’s also my time to spend on my own projects. I need to spend my time wisely. I miss working, but this is a great opportunity to get my own work done.
School makes me feel a lot. I love it and I hate it. It’s dangerous. It’s exhilarating. It’s a push that I never asked for, but desperately needed.
Ah, feelings.


So I started watching Lost, but that’s not what this is about.

I’ve been feeling lost lately. I’ve lost all sense of who I really am. I’ve just become everyone else. It’s this fear of being judged. I’m caring too much about what other people think. I’ve gone back to that teenage mindset. That social anxiety. I want to say things, but then I fear that it may sound wrong or be said at the wrong time. I end up saying nothing at all.

Well, it’s time to stop giving fucks about what other people think. I need to really get this ingrained inside my membrane. When I stopped caring about grades, my grades got better. When I stop caring about what others think of me, people will think of me better? Well, I don’t know about that, but I’ll certainly feel better about myself. The fear of not living up to expectations could be what’s making me not live up to expectations. Self-fulfilling prophecy, yo.

When it comes to strangers, I think I don’t care as much as I used to. But when it comes to people who I don’t really know yet because that relationship hasn’t been able to form, I care way too much. It’s a hindrance. I need to speak my mind and really stop caring what people will think when I do.

I must die and be reborn again.

I should probably cut my hair. That always helps with reasserting my identity. It definitely changed Felicity.


Reading novels. Do you remember what that is? I totally forgot that that activity even existed.

I’ve always wanted to be a bookworm, but it just never was me. I wanted to be someone like Sherlock Holmes who could read so much and know so much. I just never had the interest to be engaged in words. Remembering that I could spend my leisurely time reading brought back something unknown. I’ve always struggled with reading. I have always thought that I should enjoy reading, but I always found television and film more enjoyable.

I am at this weird stage in my life where I’m looking for the right hobby, but I seem to have outdone all of them. Four days into my break and I am feeling boredom. I have roughly 2 weeks of nothing planned. I simply don’t know what I should do. Several things has lead to this: 1) a great term. I somehow did extremely well in all of my courses and am close to achieving an average greater than I have ever achieved. All of my marks are well-earned and there was never an assignment or even an assignment question that was half-assed. This was a top-notch, non-half-assed term. 2) I have not watched a lot of TV this past term. 3) I have grown a fondness for university. All three are entirely related. I don’t know why I split them up into three. I have definitely changed. I thought my winter term off would really change me? Maybe this term was a result of winter term. It was the conclusion of my evolution. I don’t really know who I am anymore. It’s time to find myself again and I intend to do so in this post.

I don’t want to say I’ve lost interest in Television, because I haven’t. I haven’t run out of things to watch, but I have already watched a lot of good things. It’s hard for my heart to make room for new things. Also, it’s summer so there is basically nothing on air right now. I enjoy watching most of my TV on the actual TV.

I’m in between music. I’ve listened to Mother Mother 100 times for the second time, The All-American Rejects and Down With Webster are behind me, and Linkin Park was just to get me through finals. I’m searching for new music and it’s not that easy. Most of my favourite artists came from accidental discoverings. Mother Mother’s Let’s Fall In Love on the radio that one time I decided to listen to the radio for the first time in years, Halsey through Justin Bieber, etc. Purposely looking for music is harder than stumbling upon music. I usually like to just download all of an artist’s albums and listen to it until I get sick of it. That way, I always have something to listen to until I find something else to listen to. Right now, I have nothing to listen to except for Hannah Montana to revisit those Hannah Montana feels.

Films… I don’t know what my relationship is with films. They just seem like they take too much effort out of me to watch. It’s a one time thing and then it’s over. It’s like someone who comes to be your friend for 1.5 hours and then just leaves you with either an amazing or disappointing experience. I was going to watch a movie a day, but I probably won’t do that.

I’ve been making stickers for the past few days. My keyboard is covered with stickers and I’ve made a full sheet of random stickers. It’s pretty awesome, but also, it was a lot of photoshopping and cutting. I’m kind of done with that for now. I haven’t had the urge to make T-shirts since exams… I’m sure it will come back in a few days, but not currently.

So many things I could do, but none of them interest me. Then I remember that I should read some papers and theses of some cool, intelligent people. I’ve wanted to read my favourite professor’s thesis for a while now, so I will get on that soon even if I won’t understand it. I also wanted to read some Alan Turing papers ever since I watched The Imitation Game and that documentary about him. I think it will make me smarter, but it will probably not. It could be the bridge to me reading more? I don’t know. Then I remembered I could be reading novels! I love living in the fantasy world, so might as well just experience another form of it other than TV and film, right? Yes, I totally forgot that I’ve been in the middle of Dracula for years. I think I’ll finally finish it.

I’m not sure where I was going in the beginning of this post… but I don’t think I got there?

I just know that: I thought I knew who I was, well, I definitely knew who I was, but I think I’ve evolved into something else and I need to rediscover who that is. Many changes are happening. I’ve gone from being a web developer to a mobile developer – a HUGE step to who I want to become. I’ve gone from struggling in school to really enjoying it (getting better grades as a result). Actually enjoyed it so much that if I won the lottery, I’d stay in university for as long as possible. Also, I’m thinking of taking an extra term just so I can take two extra CS courses. Actually, I’m pretty set on doing this. I’m no longer addicted to television, but we’ll see in the fall when I’ll be juggling between 50 shows at once. I’m able to make stickers now! This is a huge breakthrough in my DIY book. I can literally make ANYTHING now and stickers are very general in a sense that you can stick them anywhere and always have them. They’re also really easy to make and I can make a lot at once.

I’m just at the top of everything right now, but at the same time, feel like there’s something missing. Work starts in 2 weeks. I have to learn Swift and refresh my iOS skillz. Maybe I’m running away from that.

I’m trying to face my fears from spiders to staring at people. I need to gain more confidence. I think I definitely have become more confident since the term started. I sing at night while biking and I can stare at people but only their backs.

I don’t know anything anymore. I’m missing something in my life. I think I know what it is, but that’s just not something real.

Moral of the story: I’m becoming something more and I need to find out who that is.

I think I’m just feeling empty because I have nothing to do. I have whole days to just do nothing, but I want to do something. This is what happens when 16 hours of the day, you’re working hard in the same study space. I also miss the 6th floor and its people. No cute Germans walking around in my house :(.

All I can do is laugh and hope I will come to a better realization some time soon.

old man g weddy

It’s been a while. I’m studying for my Intro to Database Management (CS348) final which is in 11 days? Trying to get most of my studying done in 3 days to leave a week to sit out in the sun, etc.

I’ve really enjoyed this course. The course management is TERRIBLE, but the material is very interesting to me. I really like understanding how basic technologies were implemented and how far we’ve gone with them. I’m actually having fun studying. Well, it’s not making me want to procrastinate much (although my essay is). I would honestly prefer studying all day over writing my essay. It’s an essay on superheroes, but still an essay.

My prof for this course was mildly entertaining. I really paid attention to the language he used because the sentences he forms while he’s speaking are really hard to understand if you don’t remember what the first thing he said was so it was just lots of run on sentences, if you will.

To whet your appetite, here are some things he said. Hope you will form an appreciation for his existence.

  • “…, if you will.”
  • “If you will, …”
  • “appreciate”/”appreciation” – (pronounced appresiate, but only half the time). Told us to appreciate everything and that everything was an appreciation.
  • “whetting your appetite”
  • “middle out” – no idea if this was a Silicon Valley reference or not
  • “at first blush”
  • “syntactic sugars”
  • “When’s the end of class?”
  • “marry two languages”
  • “logo” – pronounced LAW-go
  • “quick class quiz”
  • *the amount of people in class dropped significantly* “Play golf or learn about ER Model? Latter.”
  • “forging ahead here”
  • “Mary and Martha.”
  • *large bubble exclamation mark on the chalkboard*
  • *said that from what he’s seen, the midterm grades are good* “I’m gonna scale everyone’s grade down. I’m kidding.” (midterm average was actually 67.7%)
  • “milk-climbing algorithm” – no idea what I heard
  • “cook until done” – referenced some Canadian cooking show lady
  • “On the grounds of what I call dependency preservation”
  • “my eyes are going here”
  • “functionally determines” but sounded like “fuck you determines”
  • “mind blurp”
  • “forge ahead”
  • “draconian way”
  • something about data being more important than water
  • “that watch is dead” *clock*
  • “for your entertainment only”
  • “topological sort” pronounced TOPE-ological
  • “fine and dandy”
  • “let everything rip”
  • *someone’s cellphone keeps ringing throughout entire lecture* “my battery thing needs charging”
  • “buzzphrase”
  • “When does this class end? Oh, in 4 minutes. Shoot.”
  • “Sadly, or happily.”
  • “flavours”
  • *gave us an exercise to do* “You have lots of spare time. Sorry.”
  • “back of the envelope”
  • “I should learn about LEARN.”
  • “I do expect everybody to get 100%, but sometimes that doesn’t work out.”
  • “Barney or whatever.”
  • “religiously attended class lecturing”
  • *before an assignment was due* “Don’t do anything stupid.”

Gonna miss his draconian ways.


I just watched the first season of Daredevil (NOT via Netflix).

Every time I watch a blind person on television, I am filled with envy. They are forced to see the world differently. They do not experience the world like we do. They sense differently. Same goes for anyone with any kind of disability. People see them differently, and they see people differently. They did not choose this, yet they were gifted with such a unique experience.

I wish I were them. Ask any other person and they would probably say the opposite. People can’t even begin to imagine life without one less sense. But we all live with a finite amount of senses. We are all disabled in that we don’t have a sixth sense. If we lived in a world where everyone had psychic abilities and one of the senses was knocked out, then it would be the same situation as having only four senses.

Our experiences are divided into the senses. Lose one, and there’s more for each of them. I, for one, would prefer not to be able to smell. Yes, there are some good smelling things out there, but the majority of smells are not very good-smelling. A whiff of any sort of perfume and my brain is clogged with a puff of poison. Also, the smell of mint smells like literal shit to me sometimes. The olfactory system is not much use for me. It’s only use is for smelling out stenches, but I wouldn’t have had that need if I couldn’t smell them in the first place.

Hearing would be the next sense I’d knock off. I am highly sensitive to sounds and loud, annoying people. Would actually be really nice if I couldn’t hear. It would give me a reason to ignore people as well.

Touch… I don’t know if anyone just goes numb in places in their body. They do go paralyzed, but we’d have to go into it limb by limb. Let’s just not talk about that. It’s a touchy subject (I just had to say that). Well, I just don’t like to think about all the different possibilities for paralyzation. There’s just too many, and it’s hard to imagine it unless it’s really happened to you. Wheelchairs are cool, though.

Taste. Hah. I would not give that up. Food is my life. It’s the reason I get up in the morning. But I’m sure I could live without it. I would focus on getting the best texture out of my meals. Currently, my food preferences are a good mix of taste and texture. Can’t have one without the other, or so I may think?

Sight. This is the big ticket. I rely on my eyes the most. Some days I’ll get so focused on something that I won’t even let my eyes take a break. I’ll be like, alright, let’s rest these two up for a few minutes. Then a few seconds later, they’re open and working again. Everything I have/am/will worked/working/work towards involves sight. Everything I buy, every piece of junk I collect is in my possession because I set my eyes on it, and I would like to keep having my eyes set on it. The career path I’m taking has to do with sitting at a computer all day. Sure, there are braille keyboards and stuff (like Auggie’s in Covert Affairs) to quickly read and type, but will I experience code and what it builds the same way? Will I enjoy it as much? If I were blind, I’d probably find something else to build. Maybe sculpting. Something I could feel with my hands.

This doesn’t mean that I wouldn’t want to be blind. I would have to definitely change my life in significant ways. I would either have to give up the dream of becoming a programmer in a cubicle who collects Funko Pop!s and wears pop culture t-shirts or adapt to that dream. Not to mention, I would have to completely change the way I experienced television. No more awesome fighting scenes, no more crappy CGI, and no more wicked CGI. I would change as a person, but maybe for the better.

So I’ve been thinking about practicing being blind, you know, if the day ever comes. Well, I’m not expecting it to come so much, but if I can get used to not having sight, then I would not have to rely on it so much. Obviously when I’m at the computer, I’ll need eyes open since I don’t have the technology to do so otherwise. I am going to start closing my eyes while moving around the house. I just took a shower with eyes closed 95% of the time. When walking, I can’t help but to open my eyes a tiny bit sometimes to save my toes. I might sport a blindfold if I can find the right piece of clothing to do that. Also, I am a Glaucoma suspect, so it is possible for me to lose my sight some time in the future. Probably not since my optometrist orders ten tests because of one irregularity. You’d think after the one where she checked my eye pressure every 2 hours for an entire day and deemed it was fine, she’d cancel the rest of the appointments. Nope. I swear she’s just doing it on purpose for the money.

Well, it’s time to close my eyes.

soupy twist!


Last night was the first time I smiled to sleep in a long, long time.

What caused this? Why, it was TV of course. Last night I stayed up very late reading people’s thoughts and theories on ABC’s new drama The Family. Only 3 episodes have aired so far and I am addicted with this mystery. So far, they have only raised questions and answered none. This feeling… this is what happiness is to me. The constant pondering of one or more TV shows. The obsession gives me the will to live.

These past few days have been pretty shitty. A large mass of negative energy came back into my life that I could totally live without. TV has been getting me through it. Even if the reality of my life is complete garbage, there is another world that I can dive into and be totally fine. If I never found my passion for television, I would be contemplating whether life was worth living a second more.

Good television occupies me in many ways. 1) The excellent actors and actresses. Their every facial expression that makes you feel feelings you have never felt before… For example, in The Family, Andrew McCarthy’s Hank Asher is a convicted sex offender (for indecent exposure is all we know for now), yet I still feel empathy for him. He has this sadness in his eyes that makes me want him to be happy and left alone. Though I don’t know if I have left over feelings from Pretty in Pink, or if it’s just Andrew McCarthy’s acting. 2) The plot. The greater the mystery, the more I think about the story. The show is just one timeline, but there are an infinite amount of ways the story could have gone and can go. 3) The characters. Being able to connect with a character is one of the greatest things ever. You get this feeling of, I can totally be that person and those events could totally happen to me. My life could be awesome! That is who I want to be when I grow up!! Right now, I’m trying to gain Robert California’s confidence. I don’t think I’ll ever reach the level of Bob Kazamakis, but if I keep telling myself to be more like Robert California, I’ll gain a sliver more confidence. 4) The imagery. Seeing events unravel, living in them, experiencing them first hand… It’s like that is your life. You gain these fictional memories that are so fun and entertaining as opposed to that time you wrote an essay or did some insignificant task. Most of what we do in life is for the outcome, but the whole point of television is for the entire experience. The outcome is like yeah, that happened, but happy endings are still just endings–onto the next adventure! 5) The fandoms. A show doesn’t air for long without people watching it. To be able to share the experience with others who appreciate and enjoy it as much as you do, makes you feel so connected with a bunch of strangers. It’s why I don’t watch shows that EVERYONE watches (Breaking Bad, Game of Thrones, etc.). It’s no fun when everyone watches it because everyone is talking about it. They just watch it for the sake of being up to date.

The Family only has 3 episodes so far so I’m starting a bunch of shows to get my TV fix. I’m almost done The Office (on the last season), and it’s going to be sad that it’s over for a second time, but I’ll have room for more shows. I started Queer as Folk a while back and I’m watching only an episode a day. I recently watched the first episode of Prison Break and am currently downloading The Americans to start. Now, whenever I receive signs that I should be watching it, I watch it. I have sort of wanted to watch The Americans for a while now (I think since it premiered), but I always put it off.

Guess I’m getting back on the path of happiness again.

soupy twist!


Is quitting TV a bad thing for me?

I’m watching a lot less TV than I used to. I stopped trying to watch as much TV as I could when The 6th Floor became my home. Whenever I watched something there, it would take forever. Probably because I was with friends. TV was my I’m-not-doing-anything time, but also my this-is-very-important-that-I-watch-this time. So that meant that a) this was a prime opportunity to not not bother me and b) I have to finish this episode!! Sometimes it took me 2-3 hours to watch a 43 minute episode. Sometimes I got so sidetracked that I forgot I was watching something and I realized later that the episode was left unfinished. Then, of course, I had to go and finish it up.

Sometimes I would go days without watching any TV. I survived because I was on the 6th floor with friends. I built a family there. But ever since then, I haven’t really been happy. I’ve been okay happy, but not truly happy. There is this empty feeling inside of me.

I remember back in high school, I would watch SO much TV. Even with projects and homework, I somehow managed to do those even with copious amounts of TV. I think it’s because I spend so much time watching, I try to make up for it by working harder than I usually would. I leave less time to work, so I work more efficiently and give it everything I’ve got. My greatest example of this is in Grade 12, first semester. It was the week before exams. I had an Advanced Functions exam- my most important exam. This was my main course that would get me into the University of Waterloo. I was sick. I had a cold, and I was basically dying. PLUS, this was when I was watching House, one of the greatest shows ever. I think I was on season 5 at the time. Well, I watched like 2-3 seasons during that week. It got SO good that I just could not stop. Exam, sick, House. I basically lived like a sick, old hermit for the week. Then, the morning of my exam, I found out that I got admitted to the University of Waterloo! All they had were my Grade 11 grades and two Grade 12 grades (English and Computer Science), which I took in Grade 11. I was so scared I wouldn’t get admitted, but I got in! I was like, “screw this exam! (But I’ll still try my best. I mean, I’ve already studied a lot.)” I got 100 on it!! I’ve never gotten 100 on an exam. It was awesome.

The lesson was: do as much as you can of what you love, and everything else can still be done. I think the reasoning behind this is: 1) Oh shit, oh shit. I gotta finish all of this stuff!! 2) Too tired to not be able to sleep like a baby (so no time is wasted in bed trying to sleep). 3) I feel very satisfied with what I’ve watched. 4) Livin’ life to the max!

I guess watching less TV has been doing me more bad than good. I mean, my average has only been increasing by ~0.2% per term while my TV consumption has been decreasing by 50% per term. TV is definitely not the problem. TV gives me reason to live. I think my best times are when I’m grieving for a character. I still think about George 😥 … Just thinking about how good a show is puts me to sleep with a smile on my face. I miss those times. I used to go to sleep smiling every night. I haven’t in years.

With that said, I’m going to lift my no-more-new-shows rule. Screw that! Gotta be trying new stuff all the time. Up next on my watchlist is: Queer As Folk (because Michael Scott watches it), Spooks/MI-5, and The Night Manager (Hugh Laurie!!). Maybe Peep Show, Misfits, My Mad Fat Diary, and Episodes. (I gotta start watching more British television.)


I need to remember that watching TV is the same as sleep for me! It energizes me. It wakes me up. It’s equivalent to food. It’s basically one of my basic needs. Food/water, shelter, sleep, and TV. I don’t even spend the entire day on my app. There’s downtime and what do I do during that time? I don’t even know. I measure time by the seasons I watch, but if I’m not watching anything, how do I count time? Does time even exist if I’m not watching anything? Enough nonsense from me. I need to watch a lot of stuff. My mother woke me up to shovel snow at 7AM, which is like 6 hours before I usually start working. So I’ve got plenty of time to sleep watch TV.

soupy twist!


I finally feel like I’m getting somewhere all because of this:

An open journal with sketches and scribbles. I know it must be silly, but I feel like one of those geniuses on shows who have giant walls of formulas. This is my wall of formulas. It’s not exactly a wall, but it is formulas. I’ve been doing trigonometry all day. Well, more like basic trigonometry. Just splitting up a circle. Coded what I needed on paper first and then in Objective-C. Had a few bugs at first, but it worked!! Worked on it until it was time to stop to watch The Flash.

Today was also the first time I forked a Github repository. Didn’t know it was that easy! I’m working on a circular menu that I found. The original can do 1-6 buttons in a fixed circle, but I want to do as many buttons as you want and from any angle to any other angle (so not necessarily in a full circle). I’ve done it already, but I think another way would make more sense so I’ll be reformulating my code.

A lot of motivation is in me right now. I decided to start doing crunches again — only way for me to lose my center. I’m also reaching for the pull-up bar in my parents’ room. Aiming to be Oliver Queen after five years on an island.

I think all of this motivation is coming from the sandwiches I’m cooking up. I’m making these massive sandwiches for lunch and the taste lingers in my mouth all the way to nightfall. It’s what gets me up in the morning and what gets me to bed. I know that tomorrow is a day I can look forward to because I’m gonna make me a sandwich.

I put EVERYTHING into my sandwiches and it is a scrumptious mess. Ingredients include: Screen Shot 2016-02-24 at 11.27.16 AM

  • Cheese
  • Grilled Chicken
  • Bacon
  • Black Pepper
  • Ketchup
  • Roast Beef
  • Chicken Breast
  • Turkey Breast
  • Ranch Dressing
  • Lettuce

Had Costco seaweed salad added the other week. Sad that there’s no more, but the bacon makes up for it.

I think I’m beginning an addiction to sandwiches.  Or sandwiches are a healthy thing and not an “addiction.”

Some days I would rather sit and do nothing, but other days I would rather be occupied and coding. I guess I chose the right field to get into.

soupy twist!


Limitations are my greatest fears.

Being unable to do something that I want to do.

In all aspects of life, I try not to live by limitations. From the way that I dress to the way that I am. But these things are easy (if you have the mental strength). But when it comes to limitations in intelligence… that’s where it’s not so easy. I’m just scared that even though I want to learn how to do something, I won’t be able to because I’m not smart enough. There are a lot of programming geniuses, and I don’t think I’m one of them. That won’t stop me from pursuing a programming path, but it can be discouraging at times. Can I do more than I already am? I certainly do enjoy learning Computer Science (more areas of it than I thought), but do I have the brain to become a highly-skilled programmer that knows the best practices of programming? Does it just take experience? Or is it more than that? I just know I will make a lot of mistakes as I already have. I learn from mistakes. I learn from bugs. When you make a mistake, you know that next time you do not make that mistake again. I’ve always considered this the way of learning programming. But do all programmers learn this way? Or are there some that are innately good programmers? Is that possible? Maybe they’ve just had more experience? I started programming in Grade 11 and some have started at a much younger age.

I’m just not sure if I can ever reach that level.

I’m writing my first app right now and I’m scared. I’m scared that even if I do write my own app, I won’t be good enough to be able to have a job writing apps. So scared that I’m coding much less than I can. Sometimes, well a lot of the times, I put things off because I fear that I will find out that I can’t actually do it. I end up not doing things so I don’t have to find out that I can’t actually do it. I think this is one of my greatest weaknesses because I end up not ever knowing if I can do something. I miss out on opportunities to find out that I actually CAN do something. Most of the time I find that I’m not very good at the things that I try. I’m just okay at it. Maybe I’ve been going at it the wrong way? Everyone starts out being sucky at what they do, right? If you don’t continue learning and growing, you will never be good at something. I think elementary/secondary school taught me that if you’re good at something, it will be easy. EVERYTHING was easy back then. The only thing I wasn’t good at was music and gym. I was even good at science, even though I disliked it. But this gave me the wrong sense of something. It made me think that if something was difficult, I would never be able to be skilled in it. If you’re good at it, you like it. If you’re bad at it, you don’t. I don’t think this is right. Programming takes a lot of learning, and it’s difficult at first. It still is difficult. It’s difficult to become highly skilled because of how much there is to learn. I guess it’s just discouraging. It leaves you with a sense of hopelessness as you are learning.

I guess I should accept the fact that I’m gonna start out as a really bad programmer and then grow from there.

With that thought out, I’m going to be quitting movies and most TV and dedicate more time to making apps. I think even if I mess up the structure of my app, making a working app with a bad structure means I have code that can be copied and pasted elsewhere. I think this is the beauty of object-oriented programming. You have individual classes that don’t depend on each other A LOT. So you can change one class without a chain of changes.

I have several things I am working on: my website, Ben 10 Omnitrix bracelet, Martin Manhunter bracelet pattern, keyboard stickers, stickers, and cleaning up my computers. I think I will hold off on all of them and focus on finishing my app by the end of the month.

A fun idea popped up while I was writing my newsletter: every day of the last month of this term, I will learn something for the day. For example, I would really like to learn how movie CGI works so I could spend a full day learning that. I also wanna learn soldering, amigurumi, how networks work, etc.

I also need to spend a week putting content onto my website. I have years of stuff to put on there like my art, my crafts, etc.

I know I will continue to waste a lot of time on other things, but hopefully I can spend more time on making my first app. This first app is a huge step. If I can accomplish this one step, I will be able to walk.

soupy twist!