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Potential

First day of lectures. Woke up at 6. Tim Horton’s opens at 7:30. Classes start at 10:00, end at 12:30. Rest of the day – wasting time.

Being back in a pool of people that make me average… it’s a weird feeling. After 8 months of doing something I absolutely love, it doesn’t feel great to be back in school. I love studying at university, especially the computer science and social science courses. This term is just different. There aren’t that many courses to take. The psych courses I want to take just for fun (they don’t count towards my minor), conflict with Intro to Anthropology, which is something I do want to take. It’s sort of my replacement for a psych course. It will be sad with the lack of a psychology course. To add onto that, there was no fifth course I wanted to take. All of the electives I wanted to take (legal studies, sociology, classical mythology) are only offered online. I feel like online courses are useless because you have to learn it yourself. It’s not the same as a professor lecturing you. There’s no spirit in it. No motivation. Just resources to help you learn. If I wanted to take an online course, I’d just find free resources online to learn that thing. I’m very against online courses. I took one for Digital Imaging and all I did was the assignments – I barely watched the $30 Lynda tutorials. It was basically: force yourself to create something with these constraints. So I looked through all of the courses and found Introductory Astronomy. I had actually planned on taking it until today. The big dealbreaker was that there are mandatory online quizzes that you have to pay to have access to. I do not want to support a professor who chooses to do that. It’s $50 for quizzes that make up 20% of your mark. That’s a no-no. Plus you have to buy the textbook. $40 for loose leaf! $130 for paperback! That’s insane. A fifth course gets a discount of about 50% off, but if it’s a course I don’t really want to take, I’m just going to pass. $690 for a course + unfair costs is a definite no for me. I think I can die without knowing a thing about astronomy. With the lack of a fifth course, I will have more time to master my other 4 courses and spend time on PoopTracker.
I did some coding today for PoopTracker. I didn’t feel comfortable doing it. It must have been the high seats I was on. Legs were uncomfortable. I guess I’ll need to find a couch.
I’ve never done just 4 courses. This will be an interesting term. I like how much I have to grind for 5 courses. I think I will keep the same level of grind by forcing myself to do a lot of iOS development. I need to release PoopTracker this term. I need to show something. I need to show the world.
I have to look for a new job this term. I have the choice of going back to the place I felt comfortable in for 8 months. But that would mean settling down before I got to spread my wings and fly.

If you love someone, set them free. If they come back, they’re yours. If they don’t, they never were.

This is kind of the principle I’m applying here. Except I’m saying it for the company about me. I need to explore the world before I go back. If I never go back, then I’ve found something better. I need to aim better. I feel like I can. I’m full of insecurities, especially among my peers here, but I need to push through those insecure thoughts and reach for the stars. I need to at least try. Staying at the same company while I’m in co-op would be like dating someone in high school and then just settling down with them even if you’ve never felt like they were your soulmate.
I have potential. I just need to show the world and myself.
I need to focus on iOS. Yes, I’m taking interesting CS courses, but those are secondary to my iOS career. I know what I want to focus on as a career! University is just fun now. It’s also my time to spend on my own projects. I need to spend my time wisely. I miss working, but this is a great opportunity to get my own work done.
School makes me feel a lot. I love it and I hate it. It’s dangerous. It’s exhilarating. It’s a push that I never asked for, but desperately needed.
Ah, feelings.

Lost

So I started watching Lost, but that’s not what this is about.

I’ve been feeling lost lately. I’ve lost all sense of who I really am. I’ve just become everyone else. It’s this fear of being judged. I’m caring too much about what other people think. I’ve gone back to that teenage mindset. That social anxiety. I want to say things, but then I fear that it may sound wrong or be said at the wrong time. I end up saying nothing at all.

Well, it’s time to stop giving fucks about what other people think. I need to really get this ingrained inside my membrane. When I stopped caring about grades, my grades got better. When I stop caring about what others think of me, people will think of me better? Well, I don’t know about that, but I’ll certainly feel better about myself. The fear of not living up to expectations could be what’s making me not live up to expectations. Self-fulfilling prophecy, yo.

When it comes to strangers, I think I don’t care as much as I used to. But when it comes to people who I don’t really know yet because that relationship hasn’t been able to form, I care way too much. It’s a hindrance. I need to speak my mind and really stop caring what people will think when I do.

I must die and be reborn again.

I should probably cut my hair. That always helps with reasserting my identity. It definitely changed Felicity.

Reading

Reading novels. Do you remember what that is? I totally forgot that that activity even existed.

I’ve always wanted to be a bookworm, but it just never was me. I wanted to be someone like Sherlock Holmes who could read so much and know so much. I just never had the interest to be engaged in words. Remembering that I could spend my leisurely time reading brought back something unknown. I’ve always struggled with reading. I have always thought that I should enjoy reading, but I always found television and film more enjoyable.

I am at this weird stage in my life where I’m looking for the right hobby, but I seem to have outdone all of them. Four days into my break and I am feeling boredom. I have roughly 2 weeks of nothing planned. I simply don’t know what I should do. Several things has lead to this: 1) a great term. I somehow did extremely well in all of my courses and am close to achieving an average greater than I have ever achieved. All of my marks are well-earned and there was never an assignment or even an assignment question that was half-assed. This was a top-notch, non-half-assed term. 2) I have not watched a lot of TV this past term. 3) I have grown a fondness for university. All three are entirely related. I don’t know why I split them up into three. I have definitely changed. I thought my winter term off would really change me? Maybe this term was a result of winter term. It was the conclusion of my evolution. I don’t really know who I am anymore. It’s time to find myself again and I intend to do so in this post.

I don’t want to say I’ve lost interest in Television, because I haven’t. I haven’t run out of things to watch, but I have already watched a lot of good things. It’s hard for my heart to make room for new things. Also, it’s summer so there is basically nothing on air right now. I enjoy watching most of my TV on the actual TV.

I’m in between music. I’ve listened to Mother Mother 100 times for the second time, The All-American Rejects and Down With Webster are behind me, and Linkin Park was just to get me through finals. I’m searching for new music and it’s not that easy. Most of my favourite artists came from accidental discoverings. Mother Mother’s Let’s Fall In Love on the radio that one time I decided to listen to the radio for the first time in years, Halsey through Justin Bieber, etc. Purposely looking for music is harder than stumbling upon music. I usually like to just download all of an artist’s albums and listen to it until I get sick of it. That way, I always have something to listen to until I find something else to listen to. Right now, I have nothing to listen to except for Hannah Montana to revisit those Hannah Montana feels.

Films… I don’t know what my relationship is with films. They just seem like they take too much effort out of me to watch. It’s a one time thing and then it’s over. It’s like someone who comes to be your friend for 1.5 hours and then just leaves you with either an amazing or disappointing experience. I was going to watch a movie a day, but I probably won’t do that.

I’ve been making stickers for the past few days. My keyboard is covered with stickers and I’ve made a full sheet of random stickers. It’s pretty awesome, but also, it was a lot of photoshopping and cutting. I’m kind of done with that for now. I haven’t had the urge to make T-shirts since exams… I’m sure it will come back in a few days, but not currently.

So many things I could do, but none of them interest me. Then I remember that I should read some papers and theses of some cool, intelligent people. I’ve wanted to read my favourite professor’s thesis for a while now, so I will get on that soon even if I won’t understand it. I also wanted to read some Alan Turing papers ever since I watched The Imitation Game and that documentary about him. I think it will make me smarter, but it will probably not. It could be the bridge to me reading more? I don’t know. Then I remembered I could be reading novels! I love living in the fantasy world, so might as well just experience another form of it other than TV and film, right? Yes, I totally forgot that I’ve been in the middle of Dracula for years. I think I’ll finally finish it.

I’m not sure where I was going in the beginning of this post… but I don’t think I got there?

I just know that: I thought I knew who I was, well, I definitely knew who I was, but I think I’ve evolved into something else and I need to rediscover who that is. Many changes are happening. I’ve gone from being a web developer to a mobile developer – a HUGE step to who I want to become. I’ve gone from struggling in school to really enjoying it (getting better grades as a result). Actually enjoyed it so much that if I won the lottery, I’d stay in university for as long as possible. Also, I’m thinking of taking an extra term just so I can take two extra CS courses. Actually, I’m pretty set on doing this. I’m no longer addicted to television, but we’ll see in the fall when I’ll be juggling between 50 shows at once. I’m able to make stickers now! This is a huge breakthrough in my DIY book. I can literally make ANYTHING now and stickers are very general in a sense that you can stick them anywhere and always have them. They’re also really easy to make and I can make a lot at once.

I’m just at the top of everything right now, but at the same time, feel like there’s something missing. Work starts in 2 weeks. I have to learn Swift and refresh my iOS skillz. Maybe I’m running away from that.

I’m trying to face my fears from spiders to staring at people. I need to gain more confidence. I think I definitely have become more confident since the term started. I sing at night while biking and I can stare at people but only their backs.

I don’t know anything anymore. I’m missing something in my life. I think I know what it is, but that’s just not something real.

Moral of the story: I’m becoming something more and I need to find out who that is.

I think I’m just feeling empty because I have nothing to do. I have whole days to just do nothing, but I want to do something. This is what happens when 16 hours of the day, you’re working hard in the same study space. I also miss the 6th floor and its people. No cute Germans walking around in my house :(.

All I can do is laugh and hope I will come to a better realization some time soon.

old man g weddy

It’s been a while. I’m studying for my Intro to Database Management (CS348) final which is in 11 days? Trying to get most of my studying done in 3 days to leave a week to sit out in the sun, etc.

I’ve really enjoyed this course. The course management is TERRIBLE, but the material is very interesting to me. I really like understanding how basic technologies were implemented and how far we’ve gone with them. I’m actually having fun studying. Well, it’s not making me want to procrastinate much (although my essay is). I would honestly prefer studying all day over writing my essay. It’s an essay on superheroes, but still an essay.

My prof for this course was mildly entertaining. I really paid attention to the language he used because the sentences he forms while he’s speaking are really hard to understand if you don’t remember what the first thing he said was so it was just lots of run on sentences, if you will.

To whet your appetite, here are some things he said. Hope you will form an appreciation for his existence.

  • “…, if you will.”
  • “If you will, …”
  • “appreciate”/”appreciation” – (pronounced appresiate, but only half the time). Told us to appreciate everything and that everything was an appreciation.
  • “whetting your appetite”
  • “middle out” – no idea if this was a Silicon Valley reference or not
  • “at first blush”
  • “syntactic sugars”
  • “When’s the end of class?”
  • “marry two languages”
  • “logo” – pronounced LAW-go
  • “quick class quiz”
  • *the amount of people in class dropped significantly* “Play golf or learn about ER Model? Latter.”
  • “forging ahead here”
  • “Mary and Martha.”
  • *large bubble exclamation mark on the chalkboard*
  • *said that from what he’s seen, the midterm grades are good* “I’m gonna scale everyone’s grade down. I’m kidding.” (midterm average was actually 67.7%)
  • “milk-climbing algorithm” – no idea what I heard
  • “cook until done” – referenced some Canadian cooking show lady
  • “On the grounds of what I call dependency preservation”
  • “my eyes are going here”
  • “functionally determines” but sounded like “fuck you determines”
  • “mind blurp”
  • “forge ahead”
  • “draconian way”
  • something about data being more important than water
  • “that watch is dead” *clock*
  • “for your entertainment only”
  • “topological sort” pronounced TOPE-ological
  • “fine and dandy”
  • “let everything rip”
  • *someone’s cellphone keeps ringing throughout entire lecture* “my battery thing needs charging”
  • “buzzphrase”
  • “When does this class end? Oh, in 4 minutes. Shoot.”
  • “Sadly, or happily.”
  • “flavours”
  • *gave us an exercise to do* “You have lots of spare time. Sorry.”
  • “back of the envelope”
  • “I should learn about LEARN.”
  • “I do expect everybody to get 100%, but sometimes that doesn’t work out.”
  • “Barney or whatever.”
  • “religiously attended class lecturing”
  • *before an assignment was due* “Don’t do anything stupid.”

Gonna miss his draconian ways.

Blind

I just watched the first season of Daredevil (NOT via Netflix).

Every time I watch a blind person on television, I am filled with envy. They are forced to see the world differently. They do not experience the world like we do. They sense differently. Same goes for anyone with any kind of disability. People see them differently, and they see people differently. They did not choose this, yet they were gifted with such a unique experience.

I wish I were them. Ask any other person and they would probably say the opposite. People can’t even begin to imagine life without one less sense. But we all live with a finite amount of senses. We are all disabled in that we don’t have a sixth sense. If we lived in a world where everyone had psychic abilities and one of the senses was knocked out, then it would be the same situation as having only four senses.

Our experiences are divided into the senses. Lose one, and there’s more for each of them. I, for one, would prefer not to be able to smell. Yes, there are some good smelling things out there, but the majority of smells are not very good-smelling. A whiff of any sort of perfume and my brain is clogged with a puff of poison. Also, the smell of mint smells like literal shit to me sometimes. The olfactory system is not much use for me. It’s only use is for smelling out stenches, but I wouldn’t have had that need if I couldn’t smell them in the first place.

Hearing would be the next sense I’d knock off. I am highly sensitive to sounds and loud, annoying people. Would actually be really nice if I couldn’t hear. It would give me a reason to ignore people as well.

Touch… I don’t know if anyone just goes numb in places in their body. They do go paralyzed, but we’d have to go into it limb by limb. Let’s just not talk about that. It’s a touchy subject (I just had to say that). Well, I just don’t like to think about all the different possibilities for paralyzation. There’s just too many, and it’s hard to imagine it unless it’s really happened to you. Wheelchairs are cool, though.

Taste. Hah. I would not give that up. Food is my life. It’s the reason I get up in the morning. But I’m sure I could live without it. I would focus on getting the best texture out of my meals. Currently, my food preferences are a good mix of taste and texture. Can’t have one without the other, or so I may think?

Sight. This is the big ticket. I rely on my eyes the most. Some days I’ll get so focused on something that I won’t even let my eyes take a break. I’ll be like, alright, let’s rest these two up for a few minutes. Then a few seconds later, they’re open and working again. Everything I have/am/will worked/working/work towards involves sight. Everything I buy, every piece of junk I collect is in my possession because I set my eyes on it, and I would like to keep having my eyes set on it. The career path I’m taking has to do with sitting at a computer all day. Sure, there are braille keyboards and stuff (like Auggie’s in Covert Affairs) to quickly read and type, but will I experience code and what it builds the same way? Will I enjoy it as much? If I were blind, I’d probably find something else to build. Maybe sculpting. Something I could feel with my hands.

This doesn’t mean that I wouldn’t want to be blind. I would have to definitely change my life in significant ways. I would either have to give up the dream of becoming a programmer in a cubicle who collects Funko Pop!s and wears pop culture t-shirts or adapt to that dream. Not to mention, I would have to completely change the way I experienced television. No more awesome fighting scenes, no more crappy CGI, and no more wicked CGI. I would change as a person, but maybe for the better.

So I’ve been thinking about practicing being blind, you know, if the day ever comes. Well, I’m not expecting it to come so much, but if I can get used to not having sight, then I would not have to rely on it so much. Obviously when I’m at the computer, I’ll need eyes open since I don’t have the technology to do so otherwise. I am going to start closing my eyes while moving around the house. I just took a shower with eyes closed 95% of the time. When walking, I can’t help but to open my eyes a tiny bit sometimes to save my toes. I might sport a blindfold if I can find the right piece of clothing to do that. Also, I am a Glaucoma suspect, so it is possible for me to lose my sight some time in the future. Probably not since my optometrist orders ten tests because of one irregularity. You’d think after the one where she checked my eye pressure every 2 hours for an entire day and deemed it was fine, she’d cancel the rest of the appointments. Nope. I swear she’s just doing it on purpose for the money.

Well, it’s time to close my eyes.

soupy twist!