What was I thinking? I need to stop treating this time off as a job. A set schedule won’t motivate me for long. I only lasted two days with the new schedule. Every “work” hour was filled with anticipation for the break hour. And every break was unnecessarily long.
Life has been dull for the past two weeks. The first week was fine because I was working on my website. I was doing something. I set goals and I just kept going. That’s what I need to be doing now. I need to set goals and strive to finish them. That’s how I function. That’s what gives me a sense of accomplishment. That’s how I get high on life. Nothing beats watching a season of a TV show in a day or two. I set a goal to finish as fast as I can and I do it. That’s what makes me happy.
So I need to set seemingly impossible goals to create a challenge for myself. A challenge is better than taking it slow. When you take it slow with no checkpoints in mind, everything just seems meh. Life needs to be an infinite amount of levels that you complete. Life is a game. Get addicted. Play till it’s game over.
I’ve been doing it all wrong. That saying about loving what you do and you’ll never work a day in your life. I’ve been trying to make what I love to do into work. It’s all wrong!! I just need to do what I love and let that grow. Maybe it will evolve into “work”, maybe it won’t. I’m still an egg. When I hatch, I may be an ordinary duckling who will become an ordinary duck, or I could be the ugly duckling that does so much more. Let’s hope I’m the ugly duckling.
I told myself I didn’t need to set chapter goals for reading this book, but I think I do. Yes, it’s difficult to set realistic goals, but maybe what I need isn’t realistic goals. I’m supposed to push myself, right? I didn’t take a term off so I could have my last summer break. I took it so I could get somewhere in life. This is my last chance to ready myself for the world. I don’t want to be late to the game. I want to be ready and fully capable to take on anything. “That’s what co-op is for.” Well, if you’re going to rely on something that depends on yourself, then… I don’t know. I can’t take that risk. If I don’t put myself ahead of the game, I fear I may never even get into the game. So this is why I’m here. This is why I’m not in school, I’m not working. I’m just here in my room. Late at night. Reflecting on my mistakes, on who I am, and on who I am going to be.
I’ve been empty for a while now. Hoping that someone would drag me out of this hopelessness. That someone would motivate me. But that someone is me. No one is going to save me. I was Harry Potter on the opposite side of the lake, thinking that someone else would come save me. But, no, it wasn’t James Potter, it was me all along.
I need to stop “working” and be Steve Jobs in his garage.
Deep down, I know I can do something with my life. The power is in me, I just need to learn how to use it. I won’t just know how, I have to learn how. All the greatest superheroes had to go through so much shit to harness their power. It’s my turn now.
And it’s good to be frustrated. It means you have a problem that you need to fix and you will do whatever it takes to solve it. I need to always remember this. FRUSTRATION IS GOOD!
If you’re not killing yourself trying, you’re not trying at all.