Month: August 2016

Reading

Reading novels. Do you remember what that is? I totally forgot that that activity even existed.

I’ve always wanted to be a bookworm, but it just never was me. I wanted to be someone like Sherlock Holmes who could read so much and know so much. I just never had the interest to be engaged in words. Remembering that I could spend my leisurely time reading brought back something unknown. I’ve always struggled with reading. I have always thought that I should enjoy reading, but I always found television and film more enjoyable.

I am at this weird stage in my life where I’m looking for the right hobby, but I seem to have outdone all of them. Four days into my break and I am feeling boredom. I have roughly 2 weeks of nothing planned. I simply don’t know what I should do. Several things has lead to this: 1) a great term. I somehow did extremely well in all of my courses and am close to achieving an average greater than I have ever achieved. All of my marks are well-earned and there was never an assignment or even an assignment question that was half-assed. This was a top-notch, non-half-assed term. 2) I have not watched a lot of TV this past term. 3) I have grown a fondness for university. All three are entirely related. I don’t know why I split them up into three. I have definitely changed. I thought my winter term off would really change me? Maybe this term was a result of winter term. It was the conclusion of my evolution. I don’t really know who I am anymore. It’s time to find myself again and I intend to do so in this post.

I don’t want to say I’ve lost interest in Television, because I haven’t. I haven’t run out of things to watch, but I have already watched a lot of good things. It’s hard for my heart to make room for new things. Also, it’s summer so there is basically nothing on air right now. I enjoy watching most of my TV on the actual TV.

I’m in between music. I’ve listened to Mother Mother 100 times for the second time, The All-American Rejects and Down With Webster are behind me, and Linkin Park was just to get me through finals. I’m searching for new music and it’s not that easy. Most of my favourite artists came from accidental discoverings. Mother Mother’s Let’s Fall In Love on the radio that one time I decided to listen to the radio for the first time in years, Halsey through Justin Bieber, etc. Purposely looking for music is harder than stumbling upon music. I usually like to just download all of an artist’s albums and listen to it until I get sick of it. That way, I always have something to listen to until I find something else to listen to. Right now, I have nothing to listen to except for Hannah Montana to revisit those Hannah Montana feels.

Films… I don’t know what my relationship is with films. They just seem like they take too much effort out of me to watch. It’s a one time thing and then it’s over. It’s like someone who comes to be your friend for 1.5 hours and then just leaves you with either an amazing or disappointing experience. I was going to watch a movie a day, but I probably won’t do that.

I’ve been making stickers for the past few days. My keyboard is covered with stickers and I’ve made a full sheet of random stickers. It’s pretty awesome, but also, it was a lot of photoshopping and cutting. I’m kind of done with that for now. I haven’t had the urge to make T-shirts since exams… I’m sure it will come back in a few days, but not currently.

So many things I could do, but none of them interest me. Then I remember that I should read some papers and theses of some cool, intelligent people. I’ve wanted to read my favourite professor’s thesis for a while now, so I will get on that soon even if I won’t understand it. I also wanted to read some Alan Turing papers ever since I watched The Imitation Game and that documentary about him. I think it will make me smarter, but it will probably not. It could be the bridge to me reading more? I don’t know. Then I remembered I could be reading novels! I love living in the fantasy world, so might as well just experience another form of it other than TV and film, right? Yes, I totally forgot that I’ve been in the middle of Dracula for years. I think I’ll finally finish it.

I’m not sure where I was going in the beginning of this post… but I don’t think I got there?

I just know that: I thought I knew who I was, well, I definitely knew who I was, but I think I’ve evolved into something else and I need to rediscover who that is. Many changes are happening. I’ve gone from being a web developer to a mobile developer – a HUGE step to who I want to become. I’ve gone from struggling in school to really enjoying it (getting better grades as a result). Actually enjoyed it so much that if I won the lottery, I’d stay in university for as long as possible. Also, I’m thinking of taking an extra term just so I can take two extra CS courses. Actually, I’m pretty set on doing this. I’m no longer addicted to television, but we’ll see in the fall when I’ll be juggling between 50 shows at once. I’m able to make stickers now! This is a huge breakthrough in my DIY book. I can literally make ANYTHING now and stickers are very general in a sense that you can stick them anywhere and always have them. They’re also really easy to make and I can make a lot at once.

I’m just at the top of everything right now, but at the same time, feel like there’s something missing. Work starts in 2 weeks. I have to learn Swift and refresh my iOS skillz. Maybe I’m running away from that.

I’m trying to face my fears from spiders to staring at people. I need to gain more confidence. I think I definitely have become more confident since the term started. I sing at night while biking and I can stare at people but only their backs.

I don’t know anything anymore. I’m missing something in my life. I think I know what it is, but that’s just not something real.

Moral of the story: I’m becoming something more and I need to find out who that is.

I think I’m just feeling empty because I have nothing to do. I have whole days to just do nothing, but I want to do something. This is what happens when 16 hours of the day, you’re working hard in the same study space. I also miss the 6th floor and its people. No cute Germans walking around in my house :(.

All I can do is laugh and hope I will come to a better realization some time soon.